Greetings, folks. I know normally these reviews are of stuff on Netflix, but this week I’m telling you about a new movie I rented on Amazon called Girl on the Third Floor. I’d seen multiple tweets and reviews insisting it’s a disturbing, unique horror flick. After I watched the trailer, I was certain I had to check it out. Here, watch for yourself:
Here’s how Amazon describes the movie:
Let me tell you, it was one of the STRANGEST things I’ve ever watched and I don’t know how I’m going to explain it, but here we go!
We start by meeting Don Koch, who is renovating his new house.
Don is with his beautiful dog, Cooper. All I know is that Cooper needs to go unharmed for the next hour and 30 minutes.
Early on, nothing scary happens but the house itself is DISGUSTING. Here’s one example: There’s a puddle of some unknown goo, a condom, and a bunch of dead flies on the floor in one room. For some reason, Don cleans it with a towel and HIS BARE HANDS.
We meet someone who lives near Don named Ellie. She comes over unannounced (A TRULY SCARY CONCEPT) and offers him bourbon and friendly conversation.
We also meet Don’s wife, Liz, who is pregnant and away while he fixes up the house. They talk over a video-chat. She seems very sweet. Still nothing spooky here.
FIRST SCARY MOMENT OF THE MOVIE ALERT: Around 16 minutes in, a figure can be seen walking behind Don. I think it was effective horror, because I said “nope” out loud.
MORE GROSS HAPPENINGS: While Don is trying to work on a sink pipe, a bunch of brown stuff shoots out onto him.
Don spots this woman outside of his house and they briefly greet each other. Methinks she’s the girl on the third floor who this movie’s title is referring to.
Ah yes, even MORE GROSSNESS. Don goes to take a shower and it shoots out this goop that looks like…something.
Another scary moment: There’s a figure standing in the mirror in the shot seen below. Don doesn’t spot it, do you?
Don sees Sarah outside playing with his wonderful, magnificent, perfect pup, Cooper and he invites her inside. Uh oh.
Don gives Sarah a tour of his house like it’s a haunted-ass episode of MTV Cribs. It definitely feels like he’s about to do something stupid.
So Don and Sarah hook up. The next night, she comes back for round two, but Don decides to not cheat on his wife this time! Hooray!
Later that night, Don has a dream that he’s getting intimate with his wife…
His wife turns into Sarah…
And Sarah turns into this pancetta-faced entity.
OK, if you want to watch this movie for yourself without pretty much everything being spoiled, stop here. If you want to continue down the extremely random, profoundly eerie roller coaster that the last hour of this movie is, scroll on!
At 33 minutes in, we’re introduced to Don’s friend, Milo, who comes to help him fix the house up.
I was genuinely enjoying their dynamic, but I won’t delve any further into Milo’s character because the movie didn’t either. Here’s Milo LESS THAN EIGHT MINUTES after he was introduced, being killed off by Sarah.
Don is video-chatting with his wife when she spots something (it’s Sarah) swoop by in the background. Don searches the house but finds nothing. He’s freaked out, so the next morning he changes the locks and installs a camera.
REMEMBER EARLIER HOW I SAID COOPER THE PERFECT DOG BETTER GO UNHARMED FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THIS FILM? Well, he doesn’t and it’s really, REALLY awful.
I absolutely hated everything about this moment, so I’ll spare you the details and just say that Sarah killed Cooper in a very, very horrible way. It’s legitimately my least favorite thing from any of the horrors I’ve watched thus far.
Don sees on the camera that Sarah was in his home, so he knows she’s the one who killed Cooper. Sarah shows up and Don tells her he has a gift for her in the kitchen. I think she’s expecting flowers or jewelry, but it turns out all he has is a blunt force object to the back of her head.
After killing Sarah, Don cleans up the mess and stashes her body.
Don leaves for a second and Sarah’s body disappears. Then, Don searches the house for Sara’s body and winds up discovering some disturbing art, and this strange, bloody, organ-like thing breathing in the walls.
He also finds Eight Minute Milo’s body stashed in the walls.
It gets even weirder. Cabinets start opening and shutting, then this thing crawls out of a drawer. It’s a really weird, chopped open face with teeth in places they don’t belong.
The teeth-face person puts a marble inside of Don’s leg for some reason, and he tries to cut it out with a box cutter (it’s super gory). Somehow, the marble scurries up his leg and body, all the way up to his eye.
Don eventually squeezes the marble out.
The teeth-face person is closing in on Don, then she sends a bunch of marbles into his body.
Liz comes to the house to surprise Don, but he’s nowhere to be found. She goes across the street and talks to the neighbor Ellie. When she comes back, there’s like a weird sex show or something happening, and creepy dudes are watching from a third floor balcony.
Liz finds Don. He’s slashed his body up trying to get the marbles out. Liz is like, “We should leave this house,” and Don is all ,”It’s complicated, I screwed up,” implying that he cheated.
Don slices his skin off and it turns out it’s Sarah inside? Look, I genuinely don’t know what’s happening anymore, so if you’re reading this asking, “WTF?!” know that I was doing the same as I watched it.
Liz runs off. On her way out, she smashes the teeth-face person’s head with a hammer, because they weren’t letting us out of this movie without another astoundingly gross shot.
We cut six months into the future and…LIZ IS STILL LIVING IN THE HOUSE, NOW WITH HER BABY. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. That’s a totally safe, sensible thing to do.
When Liz leaves the room, we see the baby looking up at the vent, where Don is lurking. END CREDITS.
Eli on Netflix
Eerie on Netflix
Secret Obsession on Netflix
Midsommar in theaters
Murder Mystery on Netflix
The Perfection on Netflix
The Wandering Earth on Netflix
The Silence on Netflix
Black Summer on Netflix
How It Ends on Netflix
Set It Up on Netflix
The Kissing Booth on Netflix
Veronica on Netflix
Dude on Netflix
Irreplaceable You on Netflix
28 Beauty Hacks That’ll Make Your Life A Lot Easier
We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication. 1. Create the perfect cat eye every time with this double-sided…
We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.
Create the perfect cat eye every time with this double-sided eyeliner stamp. Use the flatter side to stamp the shape, and then fill in the shape with the pointy to define your line. There are three sizes, so you can draw a baby wing eyeliner or a full-on Amy Winehouse cat eye!
Use your toothbrush to give your lips a mini exfoliating treatment. The bristles are the perfect texture to remove dead and rough skin, and your lips will be super soft and smooth afterward.
Achieve the perfect blowout in record time with this multifunctional hot hair brush. It’s designed to de-tangle hair, brush, blow dry, and add volume to hair at the same time.
Use a microfibre towel on your hair to absorb water faster. Microfibre is more absorbent than a traditional towel and is extra gentle, so your hair is safe from breakage, split ends, and frizz. Just wrap up your hair like you normally would and prepare to be amazed.
Use a tub of Vaseline to solve a bunch of your common beauty problems. You can spread it around your nails to prevent stray polish from sticking, use a little to tame your brows, or dab some on your lips for emergency lip balm. You can even slather some on your heels before you put on your socks as a mini foot treatment to soften and hydrate dry feet.
Remove blackheads from your nose with a pack of deep-cleansing pore strips. Facial extractions are effective but also seem like a cruel and unusual form of punishment. Pore-cleansing nose strips are painless in comparison and can be done anytime and anywhere.
Quench your skin’s thirst with a pack of super-hydrating sheet masks. These masks contain hyaluronic acid, which is a miracle molecule that can hold 1,000 times its weight in water. Sit back and let your skin soak up half a bottle of hydrating serum while you relax. You deserve it!
Apply a pair of gilded eye masks to give your under-eyes the appearance of eight hours of sleep in just 15 minutes. They’re packed with powerhouse ingredients like vitamin C, rose oil, and hyaluronic acid that’ll help reduce fine lines, dark circles, and puffiness. Store them in the fridge until you’re ready to use them for best results.
Use a few unscented baby wipes to remove all your makeup when you’re too lazy to actually wash your face. The wipes are gentle enough to use on your face and you can keep it the package by your bed for easy access.
Or wipe off all your makeup with a soft microfibre facecloth and a bit of water. The cloth works gently to remove makeup, dirt, and excess oil from your face, and can be washed easily by hand or in the washing machine.
Wash your hair with a clarifying shampoo to detox your scalp from all the dirt, oil, and dry shampoo that’s built up in your hair over the last few days. This weekly treatment works on all hair types and will leave hair feeling soft, shiny, and light as air!
Or scrub away dead skin cells, dirt, and dandruff from your hair and scalp with this silicone scalp massager. The flexible and extra-durable bristles will gently rub your scalp to relieve tension and promote blood circulation.
Use these nifty nail clips to help remove your gel manicure. Instead of struggling to wrap and unwrap your nails in aluminum foil, just place your acetone-drenched cotton ball over your nail and clamp the nail clip over to create a perfect seal.
Give yourself a pedicure from the comfort of your own bathroom with an electronic foot file. The cylinder file spins like a tornado to slough off dead skin, so you don’t have to work very hard to reveal the soft baby skin underneath.
Touch up your brows between appointments with these mini razors. They have an extra slim blade that’ll shape, groom, or touch up brows and fine hairs in minutes.
Paint anything from dots and lines to flowers and hearts with these best-selling dual-tipped dotting tools. They come in different sizes and have nail brushes on the opposite end, so you don’t have to use the nail polish brush to create fun and intricate designs. You can also dip the brush side in nail polish remover to clean up stray polish around your nail.
Stick these nail art guiding strips on your nails to create an intricate and drool-worthy nail look. There are over 13 different shapes and designs in the pack, and the strips are also thin enough that you can use multiple ones at the same time. Just make sure your nails are dry before placing the strips on your nails to prevent smudging!
Get every last drop of your beauty products out of the bottle with this super-tiny beauty spatula. The flexible silicone head and long, narrow handle can fit into your favourite makeup and skincare bottles. And when the containers are cleaned out, they’re in the perfect condition to be recycled!
Use a multipurpose jojoba oil to soften skin, hydrate lips and cuticles, nourish hair, and control frizz! Jojoba oil is a gentle, but effective moisturizer you can use practically anywhere on the body, and it will work wonders. Move over coconut oil, because there’s a new oil in town.
Apply your face masks and moisturizer with ease using a flexible silicone face mask applicator. It’s super easy to use and it’ll help prevent your fingers from transferring any oil onto your skin. Plus, keeping your hand from getting messy is a major bonus!
Remove your makeup with a few drops of super-gentle micellar water. Just squirt a little onto a cotton pad, and watch as the micelles help dissolve dirt and oil left on your skin. Plus it’s alcohol free, so it won’t leave your skin feeling tight or dry.
Store your hot hairstyling tools in a heat-resistant silicone sleeve, so you don’t have to wait for them to cool down. The sleeve can withstand temperatures up to 450°F and fits most flat or curling irons, making it easier to use and store your favourite hair tools.
Apply a single coat of this super-matte liquid lipstick that has such a long-lasting formula, you won’t need to reapply during the day. Seriously, the pigment is so rich, you’re going to need an oil-based makeup remover to get it off. There are a variety of bold, eye-catching shades that will suit your ever-changing makeup mood.
Prime your eyelid with a chunky white eyeliner pencil to make your eye makeup pop with colour. Using a layer of white eyeliner before applying your eyeshadow makes the colour more pigmented, and you’ll save more time and product in the process.
Give your lashes the extra oomph they need by using a heated eyelash curler. It works like an electronic mascara wand to separate the lashes while the heat helps curl them. Or run your blowdryer over your regular eyelash curler for a few seconds to achieve the same result.
Dry your makeup brushes upside down using this collapsible drying rack. It’ll hold all your makeup brushes, so you don’t have to leave them on a towel to dry. Keeping them upside down helps your brush dry faster and keeps moisture from damaging the shape and integrity of the brush.
And finally, use a wearable nail polish holder to cradle the bottle with a secure grip, so you don’t have to. Just pop your nail polish and slide on the ring like a piece of jewelry. Now you can paint your nails anywhere without worry about spills or sitting close to a flat surface. Nailed it!
You realizing how much easier your life will be now: