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A New Horror Film Called “Girl On The Third Floor” Has Been Getting High Praise And I Watched For People Who Cant Do Horror

https://www.buzzfeed.com/christopherhudspeth/girl-on-the-third-floor-cm-punk-horror-movie-amazon

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Greetings, folks. I know normally these reviews are of stuff on Netflix, but this week I’m telling you about a new movie I rented on Amazon called Girl on the Third Floor. I’d seen multiple tweets and reviews insisting it’s a disturbing, unique horror flick. After I watched the trailer, I was certain I had to check it out. Here, watch for yourself:

View this video on YouTube


youtube.com

Here’s how Amazon describes the movie:


Amazon

“Don Koch tries to renovate a house with a sordid history for his growing family, only to learn that the house has other plans.”

Let me tell you, it was one of the STRANGEST things I’ve ever watched and I don’t know how I’m going to explain it, but here we go!

We start by meeting Don Koch, who is renovating his new house.

Don is with his beautiful dog, Cooper. All I know is that Cooper needs to go unharmed for the next hour and 30 minutes.

Early on, nothing scary happens but the house itself is DISGUSTING. Here’s one example: There’s a puddle of some unknown goo, a condom, and a bunch of dead flies on the floor in one room. For some reason, Don cleans it with a towel and HIS BARE HANDS.


Dark Sky Films

GET THAT MAN SOME LATEX GLOVES METER: 10/10

We meet someone who lives near Don named Ellie. She comes over unannounced (A TRULY SCARY CONCEPT) and offers him bourbon and friendly conversation.

We also meet Don’s wife, Liz, who is pregnant and away while he fixes up the house. They talk over a video-chat. She seems very sweet. Still nothing spooky here.

FIRST SCARY MOMENT OF THE MOVIE ALERT: Around 16 minutes in, a figure can be seen walking behind Don. I think it was effective horror, because I said “nope” out loud.

MORE GROSS HAPPENINGS: While Don is trying to work on a sink pipe, a bunch of brown stuff shoots out onto him.


Dark Sky Films

SCORE:

The House: 2

Don: 0

Don spots this woman outside of his house and they briefly greet each other. Methinks she’s the girl on the third floor who this movie’s title is referring to.


Dark Sky Films

I may have missed the part where she says her name, but according to IMDB it’s Sarah.

Ah yes, even MORE GROSSNESS. Don goes to take a shower and it shoots out this goop that looks like…something.


Dark Sky Films

I respect Don’s determination, but how many strange fluids must one come in contact with before they take the L and hire a general contractor.

Another scary moment: There’s a figure standing in the mirror in the shot seen below. Don doesn’t spot it, do you?

Don sees Sarah outside playing with his wonderful, magnificent, perfect pup, Cooper and he invites her inside. Uh oh.

Don gives Sarah a tour of his house like it’s a haunted-ass episode of MTV Cribs. It definitely feels like he’s about to do something stupid.


Dark Sky Films

DON’T CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE METER: 10/10

So Don and Sarah hook up. The next night, she comes back for round two, but Don decides to not cheat on his wife this time! Hooray!

Later that night, Don has a dream that he’s getting intimate with his wife…

His wife turns into Sarah…

And Sarah turns into this pancetta-faced entity.


Dark Sky Films

I’m not even quite sure what it is, but Don wakes up in a cold sweat after hooking up with it in his nightmare.

OK, if you want to watch this movie for yourself without pretty much everything being spoiled, stop here. If you want to continue down the extremely random, profoundly eerie roller coaster that the last hour of this movie is, scroll on!

At 33 minutes in, we’re introduced to Don’s friend, Milo, who comes to help him fix the house up.

I was genuinely enjoying their dynamic, but I won’t delve any further into Milo’s character because the movie didn’t either. Here’s Milo LESS THAN EIGHT MINUTES after he was introduced, being killed off by Sarah.


Dark Sky Films

DISAPPOINTED BUT NOT SURPRISED METER: 7.5/10

Sarah had been showing up at Don’s house even though he asked her not to, and she was growing increasingly aggressive, but this confirms that she’s this movie’s antagonist. Milo was in the house alone when Sarah popped up and violently took him out. Then she texted Don from Milo’s phone, so Don thinks Milo is fine.

Don is video-chatting with his wife when she spots something (it’s Sarah) swoop by in the background. Don searches the house but finds nothing. He’s freaked out, so the next morning he changes the locks and installs a camera.

REMEMBER EARLIER HOW I SAID COOPER THE PERFECT DOG BETTER GO UNHARMED FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THIS FILM? Well, he doesn’t and it’s really, REALLY awful.

I absolutely hated everything about this moment, so I’ll spare you the details and just say that Sarah killed Cooper in a very, very horrible way. It’s legitimately my least favorite thing from any of the horrors I’ve watched thus far.

Don sees on the camera that Sarah was in his home, so he knows she’s the one who killed Cooper. Sarah shows up and Don tells her he has a gift for her in the kitchen. I think she’s expecting flowers or jewelry, but it turns out all he has is a blunt force object to the back of her head.

After killing Sarah, Don cleans up the mess and stashes her body.

Don leaves for a second and Sarah’s body disappears. Then, Don searches the house for Sara’s body and winds up discovering some disturbing art, and this strange, bloody, organ-like thing breathing in the walls.

He also finds Eight Minute Milo’s body stashed in the walls.

It gets even weirder. Cabinets start opening and shutting, then this thing crawls out of a drawer. It’s a really weird, chopped open face with teeth in places they don’t belong.

The teeth-face person puts a marble inside of Don’s leg for some reason, and he tries to cut it out with a box cutter (it’s super gory). Somehow, the marble scurries up his leg and body, all the way up to his eye.

Don eventually squeezes the marble out.


Dark Sky Films

Why? I don’t know, Don. I don’t know.

The teeth-face person is closing in on Don, then she sends a bunch of marbles into his body.

Liz comes to the house to surprise Don, but he’s nowhere to be found. She goes across the street and talks to the neighbor Ellie. When she comes back, there’s like a weird sex show or something happening, and creepy dudes are watching from a third floor balcony.

Liz finds Don. He’s slashed his body up trying to get the marbles out. Liz is like, “We should leave this house,” and Don is all ,”It’s complicated, I screwed up,” implying that he cheated.


Dark Sky Films

Liz is pissed about his infidelity, but Don is bleeding everywhere. Plus there’s a sex show and creepy dudes right outside the door, so you’d think those things would be bigger priorities but nope.

Don slices his skin off and it turns out it’s Sarah inside? Look, I genuinely don’t know what’s happening anymore, so if you’re reading this asking, “WTF?!” know that I was doing the same as I watched it.

Liz runs off. On her way out, she smashes the teeth-face person’s head with a hammer, because they weren’t letting us out of this movie without another astoundingly gross shot.

We cut six months into the future and…LIZ IS STILL LIVING IN THE HOUSE, NOW WITH HER BABY. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. That’s a totally safe, sensible thing to do.

When Liz leaves the room, we see the baby looking up at the vent, where Don is lurking. END CREDITS.

FINAL THOUGHTS:


Dark Sky Films

IS IT MORE GROSS OR SCARY?: I don’t think it will scare most people, but I’m almost certain that there’s at least one scene in this that’ll, at the very least, lessen your appetite.

BEST PART: I’m a fan of Phil ‘CM Punk’ Brooks (Don), and if you are too, you’ll definitely enjoy seeing him show off his acting chops.

WORST PART: Cooper the dog’s death. 100% could’ve done without it.

GORY RATING: 9/10

SCARY RATING: 5/10

IS IT WORTH PAYING TO RENT OR BUY?: If you like gore, or CM Punk, or super dark, twisted things, or all of the above, it’s definitely worth renting and watching for yourself. I just need others to tune in so they can explain to me what I’ve witnessed.

SUM THE MOVIE UP IN ONE MOMENT: See screenshot above.

PREVIOUSLY WATCHED:

Eli on Netflix

Eerie on Netflix

Secret Obsession on Netflix

Midsommar in theaters

Murder Mystery on Netflix

The Perfection on Netflix

The Wandering Earth on Netflix

The Silence on Netflix

Black Summer on Netflix

How It Ends on Netflix

Set It Up on Netflix

The Kissing Booth on Netflix

Veronica on Netflix

Dude on Netflix

Irreplaceable You on Netflix

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Beauty

35 Amazing Things I Honestly Can’t Believe Cost Less Than $5

https://www.buzzfeed.com/imaansheikh/products-under-5-dollars-amazon-canada?origin=hpp

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We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

1.

A bestselling soft toque to keep you warm and fashionable for the winter months. It comes in over 58 colours, so you’ll have a ton of options to pick from. They’re also perfect for gifts.

2.

A strawberry sorbet-flavoured lip balm which comes in the cutest packaging. This is 100% organic, keeps your lips moisturized, and smells amaaazing. You’ll have to resist the urge to eat it.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

It’s free of pthalates, petrolatum and paraben, and is enriched with the goodness of shea butter.

Get it on Amazon Canada for $3.97.

3.

A pair of beautiful stainless steel airplane cufflinks that look way more expensive than they are. They’ll have you looking super professional for under $2!


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

These would make an excellent little gift for someone who travels for work.

Get the set on Amazon Canada for $1.74.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca, amAZON / Via amazon.ca

Whether you’re going to a wedding or to work, these will add a subtle touch of bling to your ensemble that’s appropriate for both.

Get the set on Amazon Canada for $3.47.

5.

Some adorable kitty gel pens that will brighten up your desk or pencil case in an instant. All the cats in the bunch have different expressions!


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

These are refillable and would make a perfect affordable gift for a cat parent, or a nephew/niece who loves kitties.

Get a pack of six on Amazon Canada for $4.79.

6.

A dainty statement geometrical metal clip to look like you put more effort into your ’do than you actually did.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

Because they’re fully made of metal, they’ll last you a long, long time.

Get it on Amazon Canada for $1.99+ (available in eight shapes).

7.

Five pairs of polka-dotted comfy and casual cotton socks any dog lover would go crazy for.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

Reviewers find them adorable and luxuriously soft.

Get the set on Amazon Canada for $3.90+ (available in five animal patterns, and fit sizes 5-8.5).

8.

A pair of gorgeous, uniquely designed, translucent socks made of cotton and crystal lace.

9.

A ton of beautiful nail decals with 12 different patterns including tropical leaves, dainty pastel flowers, and exotic birds, so you can remain in the summer mood even while it’s winter.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

Just soak each cutout in water, apply it to the nail using tweezers, and seal in with some top coat. Ta-da! You now have ~professionally manicured~ nails at home.

Get 12 sheets on Amazon Canada for $4.99.

10.

And if you’d rather celebrate wintertime, stick on some elegant gold nail snowflakes to make your manicure look professional, expensive, and snowy. Each set has 90 pieces!


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

You can use them to decorate your phone, laptop, glasses frames, and whatever you want to bling up, really.

Get a set on Amazon Canada for $3.99.

11.

A silicone scalp massager that will help lather shampoo into your hair better, and promote healthy hair growth.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

The silicone bristles don’t cause breakage at the roots like fingernails do. I’ve personally started to find less hair in the bathtub since I began using this.

Get it on Amazon Canada for $3.45+ (available in pink and blue).

12.

Pair it with some anti-residue shampoo that’ll help get rid of buildup on your scalp caused by styling products or sebum, which can cause breakouts and inhibit health hair growth.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

I got this a few months ago because my hair gets oily in, like, 18 hours of washing. It has really helped me have fresh-looking hair on day two, and sometimes even day three.

Get a 350ml bottle on Amazon Canada for $3.99.

13.

A flat top brush that makes applying foundation and other cream products a dream. Because it has synthetic bristles, it doesn’t absorb a lot of your foundation.

14.

While you’re at it, why not also add this fluffy crease brush to your cart? It’ll blend your eyeshadow to perfection.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca, Caitlyn Ann / Via youtube.com

Unlike other cheap eyeshadow brushes, this one doesn’t have hard bristles that poke your eyelid. It blends colours softly. The reviews say it all!

Get it on Amazon Canada for $3.29.

15.

A mini atomizer, so you can take your favourite perfume or aftershave anywhere without having to carry the entire heavy glass bottle.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

I have five atomizers, and they not only make travelling with perfume a whole lot easier, you also get to have your favourite perfume in multiple bottles.

Get a 10ml bottle for $3+ (available in five colours).


Amazon / Via amazon.ca, Via amazon.ca

It’s a low-maintenance ring that comes with a 90-day refund or exchange, so there’s no harm in trying it out.

Get it on Amazon Canada for $3.38+ (available in sizes 6-14).


Amazon / Via amazon.ca, Via amazon.ca

It comes in a black velvet drawstring bag, so you don’t even have to wrap it if you’re buying it as a gift.

Get it on Amazon Canada for $4.99+ (available in sizes 6-15).

18.

Some colour-coded reusable produce mesh bags that are light but tough, and won’t tear on you. No more disposable plastic bags, yay!


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

They’re machine washable, and have double sewn seams for added tear protection. They’ll make grocery shopping fun again, I promise.

Get a set of five on Amazon Canada for $4.13+ (available in sizes S-L, a twin pack, and a pack of 15).

19.

Some collagen-enriched skin renewing body lotion that will protect you against the ashiness winter is about to bring upon us all.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

It has a pump, which means no tube-squeezing or double-dipping in tub.

Get a 600ml bottle on Amazon Canada for $3.97.

20.

A pack of dental treats for your doggo because they’re SUCH A GOOD DOG, and don’t deserve to have bad breath or tooth problems.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca, Amazon / Via amazon.ca

They’re scientifically tested to reduce tartar buildup, so your dog’s breath will never be hot and stinky (okay, maybe it’ll still be hot, but not stinky).

Get a pack of 17 chews for small dogs on Amazon Canada for $3.48, and a pack of 10 treats for medium-sized dogs for $3.48.

21.

A pair of soft and cozy cable knit leg warmers that are super stylish, so you’re still cool while you remain warm. 😎


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

Who said you can’t wear dresses in the winter? Just throw on some leg warmers with it, and you won’t freeze. It is recommended that you hand wash these to make them last longer.

Get a pair on Amazon Canada for $4.99 (available in five patterns).

22.

A zippered silicone pencil case that’s littered with cats, and is legit the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

You can also store your makeup in it!

Get one on Amazon Canada for $3.24+ (available in four patterns).

23.

A battery-operated LED night light that can light up in seven colours, and is shaped like a mushroom (omg!).


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

It’s a little psychedelic looking, but that only adds to its appeal, I think.

Get it on Amazon Canada for $3.59.

24.

A pair of cut-resistant gloves so you can grate, slice, and chop with full confidence. These are surprisingly light and comfortable for a product that can withstand a sharp blade.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

The gloves are ambidextrous, which means you can use either on either hand.

Get a pair on Amazon Canada for $3.99+ (available in sizes S-XL).

25.

A durable organizer you can slip inside any unsectioned handbag or tote to make sure your stuff is neatly arranged, and not just floating around in the abyss that is your bag.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

It has outer mesh pockets for your phone, earphones, or maybe a lip balm, and can easily fit an iPad in its main pockets.

Get it on Amazon Canada for $4.49.

26.

Some shoe cream that’ll condition and moisturize your leather footwear. It’s like a spa for your shoes, and it’s available in pretty much every colour you’ll need.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

The product boasts a 4.6 star rating, and users say it brought their shoes back to life.

Get it on Amazon Canada for $2.20+ (available in 25 colours).

27.

An absolutely adorable little cable guard that will protect the connector end of your charging cable from splitting or fraying.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

It’s flexible and reduces the stress around the connector of your cable to make sure it lasts long.

Get it on Amazon Canada for $3.99+ (available in other animal models, and in multipacks).

28.

Some comfortable shoe insoles that’ll fight foot odour and keep your feet fresh and dry. These are especially useful now that that’s winter boot time.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

They can be trimmed to fit most foot sizes.

Get a pack of three pairs on Amazon Canada for $2.65 (fits sizes 5-10W and 7-13M).


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

It can also be used as a kickstand for your phone.

Get one on Amazon Canada for $4.50 (available in nine designs, and a pack of eight).

30.

A lovely metal donkey keychain because everyone loves a little ass (I’m sorry).


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

It comes in a pouch, and would make a beautiful crafted gift. I would take the donkey off and make it into a pendant but that’s just me. 🤷‍♀️

Get it on Amazon Canada for $4.44.

31.

Some beautiful coloured kohl liners to give your waterline a pop of colour, because simple old mascara or winged black liner can get boring.


AMAZON / Via amazon.ca

Reviewers say it lasts all day and doesn’t smudge.

Get one on Amazon Canada for $3.96 (available in 22 colours).


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

You can repurpose it as a necklace too!

Get it on Amazon Canada for $3.12.

33.

Or a soft headband with bunny ears that you can use to put your hair back as you wash your face, do your makeup, or put on a face mask.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca, Via amazon.ca

The elastic band makes it adjustable and snug for all head sizes.

Get it on Amazon Canada for $3.69.

34.

A silicone applicator that’s like a little spatula for your face. It makes face mask mixing and application a mess-free experience.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

I use mine to mix my Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay Mask with water, and whip up homemade face packs. Nothing drips down to your elbows, and it’s just so satisfying.

Get one on Amazon Canada for $1.84 (also available in sets of two and four).

35.

And finally, an artificial plant to add some character and greenery to your apartment, without the added pressure of having to keep a plant alive.


Amazon / Via amazon.ca

It would also make a great addition to your work desk.

Get one potted plant on Amazon Canada for $3.59.

Me after adding everything to my cart:

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Beauty

How Do Your “American Horror Story” Opinions Compare To Everyone Elses?

https://www.buzzfeed.com/sam_cleal/american-horror-story-opinions-quiz

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Beauty

23 Designers That Definitely Deserve A Raise

https://www.buzzfeed.com/angelicaamartinez/genius-designers

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