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I’m a Mom, I Sell Huge Amounts of Weed, and I Don’t Give a Fuck

‘Hey, you around?’ is VICE’s column asking drug dealers not just what they’re selling, but how they’re doing. Kristi, 48, is a Deadhead who’s been selling cannabis since the 1980s. She divides her time between New York, where weed is illegal, and California, where it’s legal. Hey, you around?Right here, right now. What do you…

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I’m a Mom, I Sell Huge Amounts of Weed, and I Don’t Give a Fuck

‘Hey, you around?’ is VICE’s column asking drug dealers not just what they’re selling, but how they’re doing.

Kristi, 48, is a Deadhead who’s been selling cannabis since the 1980s. She divides her time between New York, where weed is illegal, and California, where it’s legal.

Hey, you around?

Right here, right now.

What do you sell and where?

I sell organic cannabis grown in California, preferably outdoor sun and soil cannabis. It gets sealed up, mailed to me and we ship it all over the country. Some of it I sell legally and some illegally.

How did you first get involved in drugs?

When I went to boarding school in 1985 I had never seen cannabis. I had smelled it in NYC movie theaters and had an aunt who smoked openly till my mom stopped talking to her for 12 years. One of the other freshmen in my boarding school was from the Santa Cruz mountains of California. She was from a lovely family and her nanny sent her beautiful high-quality cannabis in the mail. So the first cannabis I ever smoked was from Santa Cruz. Did I mention that this was an all-girls school? So it didn’t take me long to venture out into the town and meet the cutest town boys and start selling ounces to them. This was not a money-making venture, this was just the way for me to get cannabis without buying it.

How long have you been selling weed?

Since 1987. Many of my customers are lifelong friends. From the first time I smoked cannabis in 9th grade I went ahead and started buying large quantities and splitting it up between friends. The thought that this plant cost a lot of money didn’t make sense to me. Even though I’ve smoked pot basically every day since I was 14, I still have never paid cash for cannabis to smoke myself.

Where do you sell from?

I never sell any cannabis out of my home. Because I am a mother, I have kept my business away from my house. I do not suggest creating traffic in your home when it comes to doing illegal things. We learned that from Biggie Smalls and my grandmother: “Don’t shit in your own backyard.”

How risky is it dealing in weed now as opposed to the 80s and 90s?

In the late eighties and early nineties, [when] the word cannabis didn’t really even exist in everyday speech like it does now, the real risk was getting involved with people who fucked with other drugs and would end up ratting you out when they got busted for weed. I’ve sold cannabis since 1987 and have only been arrested once, and that was when I left an abusive man and he went to the police [and] ratted me out.

As long as there are people in prison for the cannabis plant I will stand firm in believing that we do not pay taxes, we do not support the government, and fund their incarceration nation.

You move large amounts of weed around. Ever come close to a big bust?

I have had multiple sketchy moments, like 12 pounds being shipped to my previous rental address. I had to wait three weeks for it to be rerouted to my current address. I would look out the window every day wondering if they were going to come and get me with big charges. It did show up, but I learned a big lesson. That’s when I went down to two pounds at a time if the customers were choosing to go through USPS.

Who are your wholesale customers?

Mostly incredibly talented musicians and artists who want to send their children to private school. There are multiple people who have spent decades selling my cannabis and not worked a real job and sent their kids to private school. There are huge numbers of people in our community that do not buy into the nine-to-five, sell your soul for health insurance lifestyle. We enjoy working together and building each other up. It’s a really sweet kind of hippie mafia based on organic food and non-governmental lifestyle.

As long as there are people in prison for the cannabis plant I will stand firm in believing that we do not pay taxes, we do not support the government, and fund their incarceration nation. I’ve never paid taxes and I’m 48.

Have you ever been ripped off?

I have been ripped off more times than I would like to admit. My worst experience was when I was moving large quantities of cannabis from Santa Cruz to the Bucks County area of Pennsylvania.

I met this incredibly talented man with a really lovely mother and a beautiful farm. He had a guitar, the same kind Trey Anastasio plays. It sounded so beautiful he would come to my house at night and play me beautiful music.

After a short while I decided that I could have this man sell my cannabis. He agreed I could throw a festival on his farm. We worked on it for months and became really close friends, sharing birthdays and holidays with our families.

Until one day when we were getting 65 pounds delivered, and my Santa Cruz contact was pulled over in Pennsylvania. My address was in the GPS, [so] I took all of my money and all of my cannabis in the whole world and brought it to my friend’s farm. I asked him to watch $23,000 for me.

During the time he’s holding my money, he meets a new woman on Facebook, dumps his wife at the festival that I throw, and when I try and get my money back, I never see a dime. Literally, he stole every penny, dumped his family, and lured a girl off of Facebook with my money.

How do you balance selling with your private life?

I have always believed that less is more. Most of my cannabis career I have sold all the cannabis that I broker to one or two people. If it wasn’t for my loudmouth ex-husband telling everyone about my business, no one would know what I did. They were actually many years that he didn’t even know. Unfortunately in the cannabis and most black market industries, relationships are the biggest risk. Crazy girlfriends, crazy husbands, all of it, people can be very vindictive when it comes to the end of a relationship or a custody battle.

What do you do in your downtime?

I’m an activist in my downtime. Supporting human rights is what I choose to do. I spent many years working on getting people who have been jailed for selling weed out of prison. Sometimes it’s a success. There is a lot of work to be done with prison reform and I find it very important. There are literally people serving life for a plant. The plant that the government is now literally making billions of dollars off of. It is very important that we all work together and free all cannabis prisoners. I also believe in growing organic cannabis and using it for treating cancer, Parkinson’s, MS, migraines, and colitis. For this I donate cannabis all over the country.

Does your family know you sell?

Over the last 30 years things have changed greatly. The fact that I was a cannabis distributor was known and not discussed, never something my father would have been proud of. Now he is calling me with investment ideas with his friends using my medicine on his senior citizen customers. Having scientific evidence behind cannabis now has turned things around very quickly in the educated communities.

What do your friends think about your job?

My friends think it’s cool that when they come to my house they have huge tubs to roll joints out of. I grow organic cannabis and make cannabis oil and donate it to friends and family, so they definitely love that. Having a cannabis caregiver definitely is appreciated in my circle. In my GDF circle we love cannabis.

What do customers do that drives you insane?

I actually love my customers. What I don’t like is when I give it to people and they say they’re going to pay me and they don’t. I learned a long time ago that it’s not worth working with people that you can’t communicate with.

A lot of people think selling cannabis is really easy. They think they’re going into the business and they’re going to make millions. They’ve spent years talking about it with their friends, but the reality is it’s really hard work. You really have to be in the game paying attention, making sure your whole life is on track to be doing this one thing. It takes a lot of focus when you’re working with a lot of stoned people and a lot of people thinking they know what they’re doing, when they have no idea.

Do you plan on getting out the game?

One of the things I love the most about being in the cannabis industry is that it changes so much so quickly. When you’re growing you’re doing something different every month. What I’ve found I really love is that as I’ve gotten older I’ve started getting out of selling and distributing. It’s almost just like a progression, a ladder to be climbed and I like farming and making medicine now. Don’t get me wrong, I could definitely move cannabis if need be.

Appreciate your time, Kristi. Take care and be safe.

*Interviews were conducted over encrypted message and names changed; the interviews have been lightly edited for clarity.

@SethFerranti













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Here’s What JUUL Allegedly Thinks of Its Customers

JUUL’s marketing strategy over the years has essentially positioned the company as the Cool Girl of the tobacco industry; JUUL isn’t like the other girls that want to get people hooked on cigarettes that will eventually kill them, JUUL wants to hold its customers’ hands and lead them gently toward a better, and a claims-to-be…

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Here’s What JUUL Allegedly Thinks of Its Customers

JUUL’s marketing strategy over the years has essentially positioned the company as the Cool Girl of the tobacco industry; JUUL isn’t like the other girls that want to get people hooked on cigarettes that will eventually kill them, JUUL wants to hold its customers’ hands and lead them gently toward a better, and a claims-to-be healthier (yet unproven), lifestyle. Its branding and advertising has centered around the idea that cigarettes are bad and JUUL is good. “Make the Switch,” the company encouraged (until a month ago, when the company pivoted away from the slogan in a series of internal decisions). “We certainly don’t want youth using the product,” the company said, as it pulled flavors from shelves.

A lawsuit filed this week by Siddharth Breja, a former JUUL executive, makes it seem like the company never actually believed any of its own moral signaling. The lawsuit claims that former JUUL CEO Kevin Burns brushed off concerns that his company was shipping at least a million contaminated pods earlier this year, dismissing his customers as “drunk” people who “vape like mo-fos.” As BuzzFeed News reports, Breja alleges he was wrongfully terminated in March 2019 for raising concerns about the shipment of bad pods.

Are you a current or former JUUL employee? We’d love to hear from you. Using a non-work phone or computer, you can contact Hannah Smothers securely on Signal on (908) 485-7021, or email hannah.smothers@vice.com.

This is damning for a company that has held its nose above the fray of third-party and counterfeit pods, which JUUL has openly and consistently blamed for containing unregulated, potentially harmful contents. According to details from the lawsuit obtained by BuzzFeed News, in February 2019, Breja protested selling pods that were nearly a year old by the time they shipped, and asked the company to at least include an expiration or manufacture date on the packaging. Burns allegedly shot this down, saying, “Half our customers are drunk and vaping like mo-fos, who the fuck is going to notice the quality of our pods.”

The answer to that is… a lot of people. The problem with having an extremely devoted customer base is they tend to be a bit obsessed with the product. Stan culture misses nothing. A smattering of posts from the r/juul subreddit complain of declining pod quality; while these complaints aren’t necessarily related to the shipment mentioned in the lawsuit, they show how dedicated and attentive avid JUULers are. Posts from the subreddit routinely compare clarity of pod juice and complain of anything suspect, like leaking pods or pods that are already brown (signifying age, perhaps) when opened. It’s impossible to speak to the mental state of the people posting about pod quality online, but even if they are, in fact, “drunk and vaping like mo-fos,” they’re still very much noticing the quality of JUUL’s products.

Update: On Wednesday evening, a spokesman for Kevin Burns passed along the following statement to VICE: “I never said this, or anything remotely close to this, period. As CEO, I had the company make huge investments in product quality and the facts will show this claim is absolutely false and pure fiction.”

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There Is Such a Thing As Too Much Yoga

From not stress-eating entire tubes of unbaked crescent roll dough, to only smoking like one or two cigarettes, and only when you’re drunk, and only every two or three weeks, the key to living a healthy lifestyle lies in practicing moderation. The same goes for yoga, if this latest news is to be believed: A…

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There Is Such a Thing As Too Much Yoga

From not stress-eating entire tubes of unbaked crescent roll dough, to only smoking like one or two cigarettes, and only when you’re drunk, and only every two or three weeks, the key to living a healthy lifestyle lies in practicing moderation. The same goes for yoga, if this latest news is to be believed: A British physiotherapist named Benoy Matthews told BBC News that he has seen a rise in serious hip problems among yoga instructors. The problem lies with people pushing themselves too hard in an effort to achieve all the “prescribed” poses, even when your body is screaming “NO PLEASE NOT THE TRIPLE HEADSTAND WITH LOTUS LEGS I HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS” because it literally can’t stretch that far.

Various outlets and sources have been reporting for years that 2 Much 2 Yoga can cause serious injury, with the associated risks often differentiating by gender. Men often let minor injuries build up until they have to hit up the emergency room for something way more serious because they’re too concerned about seeming brave and invulnerable, while women, who tend to be more flexible, can put wear and tear on their hip joints and other parts of the body if they don’t give their increased flexibility the proper support.

“What’s achievable for one might not be achievable for others,” Matthews said to the BBC. “People tend to do the same set positions, rather than what’s achievable for them.”

In the worst case scenarios, Matthews warns of keyhole surgeries and even total hip replacements.

“We all know about the health benefits of yoga—I practice it myself,” he said. “But, like anything, it can cause injury. We can’t put it on a pedestal.”

The Cut seems to think that this rise in yogi hip injuries has something to do with Instagram—that we’re all trying to do impossible poses that push our bodies beyond their limits for the sake of likes and posi comments. That’s-a spicy take-a-ball! But also a somewhat reachy take-a-ball, since not everyone who does yoga is doing yoga on Instagram.

It’s not clear why we lean so hard on new health activities, especially low-impact ones, that we crush all the life out of it. But what we need instead of “more yoga than a body can possibly bear” is to do things in moderation. You like yoga? Do yoga, but not so much yoga that you hurt yourself. If you feel pain, stop, maybe seek help, and/or rest up. If part of your yoga practice is to put yourself more in touch with your body, why not start by listening to her horrible screams of agony?

“You have to know your limits,” Matthews said. “I don’t want to denounce yoga, after all it’s been going for thousands of years. But you have to understand yourself.”

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Would You Take Poop Pics for Science?

What can be learned from a humble piece of poop? What we expel is but a reflection of what we consume and what lies inside, hidden from view. In this way, to examine our poop is to examine ourselves… Or at least this is what the creators a new, crowdsourced poop database believe. Scientists with…

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Would You Take Poop Pics for Science?

What can be learned from a humble piece of poop? What we expel is but a reflection of what we consume and what lies inside, hidden from view. In this way, to examine our poop is to examine ourselves… Or at least this is what the creators a new, crowdsourced poop database believe.

Scientists with Seed Health, a microbial health company, are crowdsourcing a dookie database with the ultimate goal of using pictures of human waste to train an artificial intelligence platform launched out of MIT to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy poop. They hope to collect at least 100,000 poop pics, which a team of seven gastroenterologists will take notes on to train the AI platform. Developers hope that the database will ultimately help people with chronic gut conditions like irritable bowel syndrome, according to the Verge.

Science can often sound kinda boring, but this is one instance where it’s actually very cool. For instance: Before launching the campaign to source real poop pics for the database, scientists started training the app that people will use to submit dump photos to recognize different kinds of poop by molding Play-Doh into poo shapes. Play-Doh kinda looks like poop just straight out of the little plastic tub, but, for accuracy’s sake, the developers molded it along the Bristol stool chart. This means they ostensibly shaped some of the Play-Doh to look like diarrhea, which is… pretty impressive! As the Verge reports, the scientists also 3D printed a whole-ass toilet, to emulate how things would look in real life.

But now the real work begins. Seed just launched its proprietary app for safely collecting the data, along with its campaign to collect the 100,000 poo pics. People who wish to contribute their waste to science can do so by going to seed.com/poop on their phone (not a laptop), and clicking on the button that says #GIVEaSHIT. They’ll then be asked for an email address and whether they’re a morning, afternoon, or evening dumper. From there, one is able to submit poop pics with anonymity—all metadata will be separated from the pics, for privacy and HIPAA compliance, before the photos are annotated by scientists.

It is, apparently, already very much a thing to post pics of poop online: There are multiple subreddits (which I will not link here) developed to poo rating and discussion; posting dookie pics on Instagram is so popular that it has its own community of #Poopstagram-ers (yes, this is allowed by Instagram’s terms of service). This seems extremely intimate and vulnerable, given what poop can reveal about a person’s lifestyle, but I suppose that’s the beauty in posting. Now interested parties can build upon the urge to share their toilet achievements by doing so for science, for the greater good of health and mankind. Onward and upward.

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